A 34-year old man who says he identifies as a small child has been cleared to play Ukiah Little League baseball.
Buster “Grits” Calhoun, a former linebacker at Michigan State, had requested permission to play ball with 10 and 12 year olds “because deep inside I’ve just been a big kid my whole life.” Calhoun was interviewed by a panel of three psychologists prior to being cleared to play.
According to a report filed with league headquarters, Calhoun told the experts “I’m just a li’l dude trapped in a big dude’s body.” He added “Why hell, ain’t nothin’ I like more than a bowl of Cap’n Crunch and watching Saturday morning cartoons.”
All three psychologists agreed Calhoun was immature and prone to tantrums and violent outbursts. Dr. James W. Holden, who authored the report noted Calhoun’s “…lack of self-control and inability to harness emotions is typical behavior in children between the ages of six and twelve years old.” Dr. Holden added he “reluctantly” authorized the adult to participate in youth baseball competition.
In his first dozen games the sturdy 6-3, 245 lb first baseman has hit 78 home runs and is batting .866, easily leading the league in both categories. His statistics would be even better, he said, if not for the fact he was suspended two games early in the season for tackling and pummeling an umpire following a disputed call at third base.
“That stinkin’ rat better not let me see him again,” Calhoun snarled a few days after the incident, and hinted he might seek vengeance in the near future. “I know where he lives,” he said quietly, “and that’s all I’m gonna say.”
For now, Calhoun is simply happy to play a game he’s always loved among teammates he’s able to communicate with, though one coach, speaking anonymously, said Calhoun is unwilling to share, and does not always play well with others.
“That’s a buncha crap,” Calhoun shouted. “Didn’t I let ‘em ride in the back of my pickup truck when we had to drive to Potter Valley for the doubleheader last week? If that ain’t sharin’ what is?” He said he has been generous with his chewing tobacco and cigarettes during post-game parties he hosts at his apartment on Capps Lane.
“All I want to do is have a good time and help these little fellers win some ball games, go to the playoffs, maybe get a ring,” he told a reporter following a 55-6 victory over the Talmage Little Leaguers last week.
Taking a swig of beer and inhaling on a Camel filter following that game, Calhoun said he planned to continue playing Little League ball “for as long as I’m able to contribute to the team, which I figure could give me another dozen or so years.”
He said he hopes to set “all kinds” of records as a player, having already hit far more home runs than the closest runner-up, and perhaps have the field named in his honor.
“Be pretty F-ing cool, I tell you that,” he grinned. “Maybe have me a parade down State Street, meet some of them high school cheerleaders. Yes sirree, pretty F-ing cool.”
He also said he was giving thought to whether he might be eligible to play in the local girl’s softball league “Because I always did have special feelings about chicks, and this would let me set records in two leagues. It would maybe make my wife and kids real proud too.”
CLARIFICATION
The previous story is fictitious and there is no need to make hysterical calls to either the newspaper, local Little League officials or your mental health care professional. Because the story was MADE UP and NOT TRUE it should be no more upsetting than a Doonesbury cartoon or a typical CNN Headline News story.
Relax. Try upping the Xanax.
AS RARE AS…
Kids playing a game of pickup baseball on a local diamond.
A pleasant, hummable rap song
An underpaid county employee
An aesthetically pleasing, architecturally significant building built in Mendocino County within the past 75 years.
The American flag in Berkeley, unless someone is setting fire to it.
Tom Hine is a somewhat local writer who lives in Ukiah when he isn’t living in North Carolina, which is now; TWK explains that “now” means he isn’t in North Carolina now, but hastens to add that not being is North Carolina is not the definition of the word “now.”
